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Life at Home

2020.04.02 19:46 BlankStareBirdS Life at Home

(Reposted because I failed to eidt before and mentioned things that revealed my identity) I'm just posting part of my "diary". I started writing it because I couldn't justify my thoughts and emotions while faced with my parent's manipulative behaviour, so I wanted to make sure that the future me wouldn't fall into their words. Some things may be quite childish, but here goes all. These notes were meant for myself only, so they might lack detail at times but the main facts are there.
This diary mainly talks about my and my sister's messed up relationship with my parents. My sister is over 10 years younger than me.
My parents are paying for my college (college is not too expensive where I live) tuition fees and given the goals I have in mind, I'd rather quit college if I were to leave home right now. I kept being told that a college degree will make a big difference and maybe that's why I decided to keep studying. Can't count the number of times I felt the urge to drop out.
"Dama" is an online friend of mine.
It's partially in portuguese because that's my primary language. I also didn't filter anything aside from names of actual people. If you see anything that reveals my identity, I ask that you notify me of it.
On a note, I only started realizing that the relationships were a big issue in highschool. I would shut my emotions and blame myself for things before that.

1 Apr 2020
Mom most days screams or speaks aggressively/passive aggressive/manipulative (threaten and guilt trip) that I must shut down the computer and go sleep (I tend to work much better at night because of silence and peace, day can be chaotic at times. Even if I don't do much work around the house or babysit sis, just hearing them throws me off because of what they say, specially when it's to sis. They are also loud and make a lot of noise. Blasting music can make me feel quite better but I can't focus very well with music on.). But that's only when she wants to sleep and I'm up, even tho she slept soundly many times while I was still working. Obviously, sleep is important, so she has a point. But when I go to sleep, she doesn't care - hipocrisy. I need to get college work done.

----
"Para você aprender ser gente" { "So you learn to be a person" }
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1 Apr 2020

"Eu vou, mas você não vai comer não!" Step retard said to sis, while taking a pudding piece to eat late at night.

They were also watching a horror movie with her at their side. She's scared of horror movies. She gets scared easily and is even scared of being alone. She gets terrified and starts screaming for people if she doesn't feel like someone is nearby. Regardless, family finds funny to keep scaring her.

--------------------

20 Mar 2020

Senseless connections she makes all the time:
- A mãe vai lá para ser rápida
- Falar das próximas tarefas que ela vai fazer sem contexto

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14 Mar 2020

"Levanta, tá na hora, dormisse mais cedo" with bitch tone. Happens she only wants me to get up because she wants me to do stuff. She usually doesn't give a fuck.

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12 Mar 2020

Mom screams and threatens to beat sis when she cusses although she's constantly cussing. She doesn't reprehend my cousin when he does it at all.

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6 Mar 2020

0:37 - Mom went to birthday party and took sis. Sis has classes tomorrow and will wake up at 7am. Called her twice about it, she doesn't care.

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2 Mar 2020

After a lot of screaming telling sis to go to bathroom, called her "merda".

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25 Feb 2020

Log: constant shaming for anything done "wrong" or whatever benefits them
Shaming sis scared of being alone

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21 Feb 2020

"Mãe, vais ver que eu vou comer bem pouquinho"
___
"Com quem você aprendeu isso?" For everything she says or does

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14 Jan 2020
Mom did a fallopian tube surgery to not get pregnant anymore. She can't carry weight. She woke me up saying I had to do stuff for her (asking the list: clean outside, put clothes to dry, go shopping). I have physics test the day after tomorrow and might fail. She's clearly abusing and wanting to be spoiled. After I said no, she started screaming and insulting me. Called me piece of shit asking other things. "Why do we have you here then!?" Same words as stepdouche. After I said I would be better quitting college then, she suddenly shifted her attitude and decided figure out her stuff.

edit 02/03/2020: one of the points here is that her attitude is way too inconsistent and unpredictable.

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9 January 2020
Stayed till midnight at college to finish a project and refused 13 calls from mom because she was always calling. She knew I was gonna leave at midnight. Next day stepdouche came to me when we were alone and aggressively screamed at me at how I'm making my mom suffer and they're doing so much for me, he even let's me 24 hours at the computer (he's always saying shit about me and trying to have me do home stuff like cleaning, when I don't have time for shit...),etc. Then said that he always supported me (pretty sure he means economically when he didn't even have the responsibility to) and that he'd let me rot in prison if I was on drugs or something and my studies would go to "shit"(his words). 110% sure he wants to kick me out lol (random?)
Also "MY FATHER DIDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ME, WHY DO I HAVE TO PIT UP WITH HIM?"

-------------------------

8 January 2020
Awake till 4am to get more work done for what I have to deliver tomorrow. Mom wakes up when I'm going to sleep and starts saying crap and criticizing me. She said I should work during the day. Happens I've clearly not been doing much more than working the last months. But right, she doesn't care. She just needs to try to mess me up.

-------------------------

5 January 2020
Random convos that happened:
- There are some many people that work and study! But you can't just do this!?
---
- Does that take long? - I asked
- There's no problem
- I have college work to do
- It's ok, you just keep it at your side and go doing it while you do your work.
...
- I'll be going to ISEP (it's Sunday)
[Sits at metro to work]

----------------------------

3 December 2019
Mom went to a restaurant party, where she works, when I had a deadline tonight. Sister went to sleep late and without showering. I didn't have time to shower her and forgot to look after her because, since mom said I didn't need to give her shower or anything but just fed her, I supposed mom would be home early. Only realized later on till how late sister had been awake. Fuck me and fuck that bitch

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17 November 2019
"Você vai cortar esse cabelo sim! Você não se manda não! Depois ficam na minha cabeça: ele não corta o cabelo, você não cuida do seu filho..."

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15 November 2019
New laptop arrived
"You don't even tell me about it! Right, I'm a ice of shit of shit for you! You ungrateful..."

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4 November 2019
"I could be working, I could be working" in the back of my head

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16 October 2019
"Eu tenho que ir, o doutor me dá até um raspanete! Que tipo de mãe que eu sou?" (Referindo-se a possíveis comentários do médico)
More worried about what the doctor will think than with your daughter.

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5 October 2019
Mom left door open to dry the floor faster. Every time I complain about the possibility of [my dog's name, I love him] running away and take him to my room. This time I didn't notice the door opening and he went out. Luckily, he popped up crying on the back gate, but no one noticed him going out. I'm supposed to trust this person.

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29 August 2019
Random memory. Letters used to be frequently delivered to the wrong place, ours to another house and the other house's to ours. The woman came and put the letters in our mailbox and my mom claimed she did too but the letters stayed there for months at time (yeah, I should've taken them...)

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28 August 2019
I shut down my emotions for my daily life but extract feelings from anime.


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23 August 2019
I can't use the PC cause it's late but I can watch a horror movie with her because she's scared.

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22 August 2019
I'm not allowed to have feelings by my family.

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20 August 2019
I'm not ok. For a second an urge to cry desperately hit me. I swallowed it and went back to unemotional state. I ditched 2 clients on Fiverr because I feel like I'm not handling all the stress right now. Taking care of my sis, trying to do my own projects, dealing with my own monsters, cleaning the house and shit and trying my best to work in every minute I can for these jobs while my family says shit to both me n sis. Family shit has annoyed me a lot recently.

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18 August 2019
They buy icecream. Lie to her saying there's no icecream. She checks because she knows that they are liars. She finds that there is icecream. They say she can't eat because she's fat. "You can give it to your cousin but you won't eat it". In the past her dad ate icecream in front of her and refused to give to her.

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14 August 2019
Unproductive day. Spent most of the time updating my freelancer pages and talking to a client (/stressing with pressure, took me a long while to calm down and realize that it wasn't that much of a big deal. I was being squeezed by expectations, responsibilities and lack of self confidence basically) about a possible $16/h job. I got some energy and wanted to progress with my Discord bot to not feel like the day went down the drain. I ended up getting carried away for 50ish minutes. I progressed. After 40min mom woke up with the usual bullshit. (Saying I spent the whole day in the computer and that "we should get you something to do" = job)

3 August 2019
Called mom to ask if I should buy a cereal box and said that sis was doing the all the shopping (she was choosing fruits n stuff which we were supposed to buy), mom replied with angry tone saying that we're not supposed to be wasting money. I don't waste money. Then she wonders why I dislike speaking to her about anything.

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31 July 2019
Mom keeps ignoring sis feeling and using manipulation as "I'm going to work everyday if you don't". She has a ton of those manipulative phrases.

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28 July 2019
So my initial temporary work contract finished and I decided I didn't want to continue, because the salary was half of what I expected (2.5€/h) and I ended up tired the rest of the day since I had to wake up at 4:50 and the work was mainly physical. Which led me to be unproductive and not in a good mood, delaying my projects. Plus I still had to babysit sis. I told mom I wouldn't go next week because the salary was much lower than what I initially expected (because they didn't explain it properly). Until then, it was unsure if the contract was until the 26th or 31st. Mom started trash talking, saying that that's minimum wage and also what she gets working at the school and what am I gonna do then implying I do nothing but waste my time in a "you're shit tone". Then she wonders why I don't like talking to her.
- Today night uncle came to say the same thing.


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28 June 2019
If you care that much, shouldn't you at least care enough to get your daughter to sleep at propper times and brush her teeth? 01:21atm and you say she's gotta wake up at 9 tomorrow.

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31 Mar 2019
I actually feel bad when supposing disapproval or weird reactions from Dama. That's weird.

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30 Mar 2019

Don't be a brat clinging to others. You don't depend on others (other than economically for the time being). This is what I was talking about yesterday.
V

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29 Mar 2019
You are by yourself. Love yourself then others. Even if people go and you stay lonely, it's still ok. There are fun times to remember. And there's the future and more people so there might be more people out there to be with. And if here aren't, oh well. If it ever becomes unbearable, you can kill yourself.

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29 Mar 2019
Will I ever lose this feeling of excitement, of having a journey ahead,(?)... which are ultimately, of a fantasy world? Games and animes can make me feel that way.
Don't become totally emotionless or render yourself to bring satisfied with taking pleasure from common situations but don't force yourself either is what I'd like for my future self. Words can't contain feelings tho.
I don't want to waste time to go back to that world.

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29 Mar 2019
Mom said she'd buy wet food for cat temporarily till she bought cat's food "tomorrow" (yesterday's tomorrow). Cat doesn't eat her new food, been giving her since 2 days ago. Not eating the food since 2 days ago

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28 Mar 2019
*Doesn't go to sleep when she wants me to*
(Insert bitch tone) "Tá voltando pra criancinha?
Se não levantar logo amanhã vo tirar o computador! Pra você aprende a ser gente!"

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28 Mar 2019

"Don't try to hard" - Sakurasou no Pet na Kanojo (good anime)

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16 Mar 2019
Mom: I'll just ask for this and then nothing else today. *I promise*
Mom some time later: Take the trash out.
(Later on)
She said "I do everything to pleaser him and he's never satisfied" but what did you do aside from the lie and putting loud music and singing while I was trying to work on my project?

14 Mar 2019
Speaking the truth doesn't really help. Lie without worries.

10 Mar 2019
Mom is outside talking with friends and laughing at how she scared me. Back then she scared me enough so I'd be afraid to be alone for the rest of the week. Another time I was going back to bed to sleep and she scared me. "I laughed the rest of the night and he was so mad"

19 Feb 2019
"Que frescura é essa de quere lavar os pé todo dia"

18 Feb 2019
Emprestei os fones para a mãe ontem e eles desapareceram. Fui confiar e me fudi. Agora tou no metro e não posso usar os fones para ver anime.

17 Feb 2019
"Como você conseguiu quebrar essa cadeira?" com tom incriminador. Reparei que coisas como essa me incomodam (estou sendo acusado de algo que não tenho culpa sequer) e eu ignoro. More family toxity, acontece frequentemente.

11 Feb 2019
Made two holes in the walls to pass the Ethernet cable (because the router was moved to the living room due to step breaking the cable that went to my room, also because mom was annoyed when I put the cable sometimes because the WiFi is crap, sometimes I'm unable to play and at times unable to reach the internet, also because it sucks for downloads and because mom did suggest before that I installed the cable). I did deduce they'd be mad because the wall was painted not so long ago but this was annoying me and building up some stress for a long time. Better some small marks on the wall than me having more stress.
She got home saying shit over and over as expected and ok, I'm used to ignoring that. But later she actually calmed down, let it slide and praised me for "having interest". Somehow, and stupidly, that hit me hard, why am I being praised for two fucking holes any retard could do when you never praised me for the actual relevant shit I did. Not for self-teaching programming (well, with tutorials and stuff, but yeah), not for my bot, not even when I raised my marks at math (she complained about them not being good instead). I never got supported on doing what I like but now I'm supported into making irrelevant, meaningless crap anyone does. Bad memories came up such as the stupid phone situation where they took the phone from me or something due to I not putting clothes to dry asap, which made no sense in the given context. "What will you end up being this way" senseless phrases and such. I managed to get over it pretty quick since I was aware it was all senseless from the beginning. I should enjoy how stupid they are and get away with my 206ish stable mbps. Also streaming sometimes just for fun using GeForce Now, cable really is needed for that.

10 Feb 2018
Yesterday mom told sis to stop watching YouTube (for the first time in a very long one: she doesn't really care). Sis started with the usual noisy crap and step rooms her to go watch it because he wanted peace "today" (as every day).

Today the same, mom told her she couldn't eat at the living room to not make a mess. After being anoying, mom told her to just go.

Congratulations, definitely the "where are you going to find better" parents you love to speak of yourself.

Step just forced her to say happy birthday to Brazil family the way he wanted her to. "I'll feel ashamed of you this way".


5 Feb 2019
Uncle took the gate lock slider thingy off. Maybe due to aunt complaint? Wind can open it and dog escape. Obviously they don't give a shit.

Yesterday uncle was being to [my dog's name], to the point he cried. He kept at it even so and laughed when I screamed at him as last resource since I didn't want to close him in my room.

14 August 2018

I don't think I wrote about this before so better do now.
You say you do everything for us but the truth is that you're really selfish. You go work, cook, clean and bring money. That, for you, is being an amazing mom. Of course it adds stress and tiredness but you're actually a great shit as a mom. You do things thinking of yourself. Don't you even work and bring money for your own self-satisfaction of being able to call yourself a good mother? Or help others to be able to call yourself a good person and keep them around you? You, all the time, do what is more convenient for you without thinking of how that would affect sis or me. Whenever she cries, you just give her things to make it easier for you. She's fat, yet you don't really work towards improving that. You don't care for her education but giving things and being nice to call yourself a good mother. However, that makes things more troublesome even to you because you can't control her. To one point, she annoys you till you rage and say stupid shit to her, blaming and insulting her. Obviously, the work of a great mother.

As for me, you never gave relevance to the things I did. Learning to code, making apps, I'm now learning game dev. When I made an app for a client, all you asked was how much money I made. For fucks sake put your money inside your ass. I am creating something. How about asking how it's going instead.
Someone who can't understand the pursue for creating things, for doing more.

Edit (12/03/2020):
Figured I'd explain a part of what first said since I might forget it. When I talked about doing things for others, I was referring to her poor skills in relationships, such as no proper boundaries. She also tried to seek acceptance and can't decide things for herself. She's willing to "sacrifice" herself for others while in fact she's just damaging the relationship by creating an unsustainable relationship, in order to play nice and receive acceptance. She seems to maybe also consider her children a part of her or that work for her, so we must sacrifice ourselves for others. Examples: she prioritizes whatever my sister's friends or cousins want/do over her, even if they are clearly wrong. Talking about what others think of her because of my behaviour (being quiet, objective and not social). After a visit left home, she screamed and threated to beat sis for cussing. She usually doesn't reprehend sister much for cussing and cusses all the time herself.

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6 August 2018

Mom says she's proud of me going to buy eggs and cook omlet for me n sis because the chicken restaurant was closed. As if I've taken another step forward. Fucking bitch. I've always been like this, totally capable of doing the shit I want. Any retard can get eggs and cook a fucking omlet. No random fucker will learn java and develop apps tho. You only praise me stupid shit anyone could do.

Valuing hard work is a pain in the ass too. Working a lot and feeling tired to get little is source of your fucking pride. Congratulations.

I have developed a bot for a dude (underpaid af but well). Whenever she is to ask about it, it's "how much money have you made". Put your money up your ass. If I were doing it for the money I'd rather get a job. It was something that allowed me to make some money while developing my java skills. I have improved a lot by doing this project.

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9 July 2018

Untrust reasons:
They don't properly take care of doggy - doors open, they let him out of the room.
Lies.
...

02/04/2020 note: doors that lead outside

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22 June 2018

Been able to study nicely yesterday. Finally got motivated or something.
Today step decided to clean things on the outside warehouse (right out of my window). He just opened my window n connected a power extension n started using a loud machine, aside from the noise in general when it was not being used. I asked him if he'd still need it cause the noise was bothering me, he said "se muda". I didn't understand, initially, that he meant moving out of the house, thought he meant moving out of the room. Either way, I got nervous n just spit out whatever came first to mind, stupidly: "se muda você". Great, exactly how to deal with him. Then came the shit of "I pay your food" and then "you couldn't stay a day without me supporting you" '-'.

Just taking note

---

12 June 2018

God
I don't wanna study. I can't... I'm trying but.
Mom been annoying me since morning. I studied like 30min.
I don't feel like doing anything. Still gotta take dry clothes in, put washed clothes to dry, go get sis at dance, give her a bath n babysit her in general. Earlier had to take dog to vet, walk dog, put clothes to dry, help her with bank shit cause she doesn't take care of her fucking papers.

(Exams period)
-

10 June 2018

Step is a kid. Getting controlled by sis, unable to understand how she thinks and manipulate that in order to properly educate her. Well... What kind of idiot she would be if educated to be like him tho. Getting carried by sis fights with cousins. ...

-

6 June 2018

Toxiness. "I don't know where you're going like this" "How are you gonna do in adult life" Slowly taking over you without you noticing. Tho I can now see it and ignore it.

-

Uncle got a bunny for cousin ([cousin's name]). They don't take care of it, left it for me and mom. I want to either give it to animal rescue institution or to kill it. What's restraining me more is that it's cousin's... As soon as I got home they were all happy talking about it n uncle said I'd also have to take care of it... wtf...

Got home from school, lunchtime. Bunny out. No water. Cage all dirty. Gave her water n put back to cage. She was thirsty and drunk a lot. I wasted a lot of time to do this and feed my dog. I feel like I did nothing most of the time because when I look back I did so little in such a long time. But I don't remember stopping to see stuff at phone or whatever. Soon will have to go back to school. Then I'll have to study while taking care of sis, walk the dog (don't have time left right now. Maybe had when I got home but it was raining.), if it isn't raining and hope sis not home by then...

I wanted to play before going back n light my head a bit. I feel tired. I slept close to 8h tho so I should be good. I slept less than 7 yesterday and was good. I spent a lot of time writing this too. 15min? Well... Gotta wash a bunch of dishes dad and/or mom left and eat. I don't feel like eating anymore. I'm tired. I wanna die... Although I might have not talked much about death before, I actually have this thought always present: "I can give up at any time and die". It relaxes me. I also planned to not live long. I'm afraid of aging and not suiciding tho. I don't want to live more. Don't wanna be 50, 40, 30 years old. I'm scared of dying but at the same time I'm not. Not sure exactly what causes this insecurity.

-

Can't be satisfied unless working and unhappy about it. If happy, then it'll be considered that I do nothing.

Living my happiness while ignoring the world's sorrow. I'm a terrible person. It doesn't matter if others do so too, ignorants to the pain of wars, hunger, crimes,... And even that among themselves, that darkness lurking within people's hearts. Isn't it unfair? For them to have to live such lives while I sit here confortably writing about it...?

Sometimes I have anger spikes too. I guess that I do have bipolarity.

Today was raining. I was dead tired. Played a bit, still couldn't focus to study. Put on a music (I got no earphones atm, but felt better without, even tho I don't like listening to music publicly. It was at minimum tho). Music+rain was enough to silence my family. I managed to be productive and study the minimum I had set.

I can't keep bothering Dama complaining. I can't study. Actually quite capable to focus recently but family keeps interrupting me all the time. 2 days ago, they were out the whole day, it was very productive. Today, I keep being bothered. It's very frustrating because I have 2 tests coming up and haven't finished studying, barely started studying for the second one. 1st: the day after the next. 2nd: the day after the first

"Eu te dou carinho, eu te dou tudo. Mas você é assim. Não tem carinho não" isso mostra o seu egoísmo pois o seu foco deveria ser o comportamento dela e não o seu "esforço" (que é uma merda porque você nunca se foca no comportamento dela). Deveria se manter calma e corrigir o comportamento dela, mas como o seu foco é você própria você se irrita e fala que não merece isso porque você é sempre simpática. Mas isso é outro sinal de que não se importa pois ser simpática não é necessariamente ser boa, ou, mais exatamente, não é se importar com o futuro dela, mas tentar atingir sossego. Pelo mesmo motivo você dá o telefone para ela e dá as coisas quando ela chora. "Imagina se eu te batesse? O que você fazia comigo?"

Quando a [cousin's name] tava te chamando porque o filme tava começando você não reclamou. Mas quando foi a [sis name], de maneira bastante parecida, você reclamou. Isto serve para "justificar" a diferença entre como eu te trato e a outras pessoas pois você, tal como a [sis name] para você, tá constantemente me chateando.

I've been feeling this recently. I get a more maternal feeling from Dama than from my mom. "It'll be ok, just do your best", "You did well, it's very nice", "go study, studies come first" (my mom also tells me to study, but it's different, "study or you won't be anyone in life" or says shit about the results and she doesn't give off the same confidence as Dama, probably because of her shit state (personality and achievements) and lies)... It feels like Dama gives me confort unlike her. Even when she touches me, it's rather in a sexual way, grab my butt, hugs n shit, they just feel sexual.

Classes seem to start about a week sooner than what I thought. I'll have to work faster and study lots of math. This scared me. At times like these I think "Well... I can always kill myself if things get too bad so no need to worry that much"

Sometimes a strong feeling of loneliness hits me out of nowhere. This happens anywhere.

"não vai cortar o cabelo então limpa o chão porque para o computador você não vai agora" I don't lack time for myself at all...

Sometimes I feel like crying into someone's chest. I see myself doing it for a short time in my imagination, on the chest of someone without a face, someone who doesn't exist.

Sometimes I just feels like crying suddenly. More often than I should for sure...

And Mom keeps saying that I don't do anything right and am irresponsible and other shits. Ofc, she dies everything for me. She's very good at cheering and pushing her children forward (out of the cliff)

To [Dama] (Dama): Sorry for always bothering you with my problems and I'm really thankful that you listened when I talked about them. Just thought that I should thank you.
[Dama]: that’s what friends are for ::ttcool:: so no need to thank me

Thanks Dama... Thanks over and over again


How much easier it is to focus on studying when you're feeling ok...

Yesterday I was feeling better, everything seemed to be going well. Today I received the Portuguese test, not as good as I thought, 7.6/20. So I'm feeling worse today, but not dead like I usually am. Trying to be optimistic... I thought I was doing well at school, at home (can never be good at home but being able to deal with it decently) and even developing a bot for the [X] Discord server (voice n text chat). Guess not. I can clearly see the difference between a quite good day and a bad day now (edit, weeks or months after: this means that I was always having bad days. Since this changed a lot, I was able to properly see the difference between the sadness I end up imersed in and the happiness that I usually only think about). I can also be sure of my previous theory now - the worse I feel, the more I feel like playing (and forgetting it all). I'm sure of this because I feel it now, the need to play (to relieve the stress, to run away). As I write this, I also get more clear in my head the importance of studying specially because of this event as I got demotivated for studying as soon as I received it ("Is it even worth studying?"). (Edit, written much after the original: portuguese tests are mainly of interpretation, sometimes studying makes no difference at all. Must study grammar and essay structure. Stuff about the authors and their work is usually useless.)

In 2015 my depression started diminishing and now (2017), I'm having ups and downs, while I used to be always down. I'm making effort to cheer up and do what I must do (take care of dog, study and ignore? mom). I'm afraid to get into game development and study less. When I noticed myself smiling or laughing, for real (not the natural looking fake smile that I naturally did while not feeling anything), I just got confused, why, it's not like me, it's that even me? With time I ended up accepting that being happy is ok and feels better, since sadness was like a comfort zone. "nothing good is going to happen, life is shit" and with that I was ready for bad things to happen, I believe I lost my emotions to protect myself to start with. "I won't cry I said and from then on, I did not cry as I did not smile. I was stressed and depressed from the shit life at home I think. I think part of it was not rational but, specially after grandma died (2012-2014?)I don't actually remember much from before that), it was terrible: Having no time to myself was the worse part. I had to babysit my sis, clean the house and deal with the bitch complaining any everything and saying she was amazing and did everything for us. She started taking on more housechores on the 11°grade (2016-2017), mainly because of her new job (cooker at a school). Now I'm at 12°and she does almost everything surprisingly... Bought a dog, [my dog's name], and I have to take care of him. It worries me a lot... I should go to university or polytechnic next year, which means that I'll probably not be here to take care of him. At 11°grade my depression diminished even more, by the end of the 2nd school term I believe. At the 10th I had the first noticeable change, by getting more into philosophy I was able to start seeing the world more as it is and not worse than what it was. At 12°grade I had pretty much the same. Even now I feel weird when I honestly laugh or have some stronger emotion. It's always noticeable and hard to understand. Well, by now I am able to "ignore" (get it together and move on) bad events. Basically "So, we do it together?" "Sure"... a month later... "It'll be me, you and [classmate]" "And [my name] right?" "[my name] not! Teacher allows max of 3" "oh ok" the last one was her. Well, not letting myself down for this even if she was a bitch. Guess this last part is just a normal part of maturing tho (for those who mature...).
Why I write this? To organize my ideas and not forget these events.

23:11, mom gets home (was chatting at uncle's...) and starts screaming for me to go sleep cause it's late. Over and over (putting movies to download overnight for uncle). Then she screams at my ear... I put my arm up for her to distance her. She rages n starts hitting me.

"He says I'm dishonest... to his friends online"
Months ago: "Do you really think I'll read your messages? I respect your privacy"
"I'll post your University even if I have to work a lot" yeah right, you didn't save a single penny all these years, gonna sell your ass for the 1000€?
She owes me 220€... "Do you need the money now? If you need just say and I'll give you" fuck you, you won't have the money if I ask you to cause you blew it on some shit as always.

The rain falls as if it was crying what I did not. Engulfing and embracing me and all I am: becoming one. (I was dissolved in the rain) The rain is confortable.

Mom gets home, mom screams complaints in bad words at me.

If I'm not doing anything for them or school I'm doing nothing. And for them, it feels much better when I'm doing something for them, seem on their face (and step:"just stay studying all day? yeah right" saying I should do house chores) . They have some sort out hate towards the computer too. Maybe they think I should work more because they work a lot? I would have my freedom taken away just because I should feel what work is?
I'm the end this is how it is: if I'm not working, I never do anything.

Pisses me off how you're always saying so much shit. Or acting like something is obvious and blaming me based on that. "I gave you the money, oh God": how would I guess the money was to buy it and not just to stay there, as you told me to save it.(guardar). Although this is quite far from her best (stupidity)

Sim, melhor sem você, porque você tá sempre me estressando: enchendo meu saco a cada minuto, fazendo eu sair do computador só porque você não gosta... Eu preciso, é a minha única diversão nesse inferno

Looking at a glass with guaraná. More bubbles come up near the limits of the glass. This happens because, for some reason, bubbles "grow" when touching the glass. At the bottom, there's only 1 spot for each horizontal position while at the sides, for a single vertical position, there's tons of vertical spots.

I'm always thinking about things. One thing that I do frequently, is imagine that I'm talking with someone else and analyze a situation. Usually the person will ask questions, my imagination can create questions much more easily if it's another person asking, so a dialogue. This happens because I explain everything to the other person while I analyze my own explanation and complement it with new thoughts and ideas.
Things like the following are just normal things that pop up frequently:

Fernando Pessoa came to the same conclusion as me. The conclusion that I confirmed on this year's vacation at Brazil. People can be happy by being unconscious. There, people were very simple and obviously barely thought about things. They were very cheerful. Step's mother:"What are you doing?"
Step: "Thinking"
Step's mother: "That's no good, don't think, it makes you no good,..."
That's when I made sure of it.
Then I can't be happy as I can't nor want to stop thinking.
My family on mom's side is a bit different. They think a bit more, which makes it even more troublesome because they won't think things untill the end. They'll grab the first idea that comes to mind while on my step's side they do it naturally without even thinking. For example:
A killed B. Killing is very wrong, therefore, A is trash.
But if you ask the same person if he/she would kill for his/her own child, the answer would be yes. Would they consider themselves trash because they killed to protect their child? I don't think so.
Then... A is trash because he killed, but the person in cause is not even tho he/she killed. Therefore this logic is wrong. If they were to think more about it, they could come to a better conclusion, but instead, they grabbed the first, obvious, lacking in logic, idea.

I'm just reporting what I just thought of. It started with my mom's behavior as a mom (bad) and I was talking to her job friend, [her friend's name], who told my mom not to go to my sis when my sis called her (all the time) cause my sis should go to my mom.

[...] max of 40k chars
submitted by BlankStareBirdS to sadstories [link] [comments]


2017.06.12 15:56 ManiacClapTrap As Opiniões sobre as conferências da e3 by ManiacClapTrap

Podem perguntar-se: "mas quem é este gajo para fazer reviews das conferências e porque é que eu me hei-de importar?"
A pergunta é legítima e a resposta é a mais banal possível. Este gajo não é ninguém a não ser um amante de videojogos. Não são reviews, são opiniões e, com alguma sorte, poderão gerar alguma discussão.
Tenho escrito isto num fórum onde participo e decidi partilhar aqui. Vou fazendo update à medida que vão surgindo novas conferências. Algumas demorarei mais tempo pois terei de as ver em diferido devido a horários.
Electronic Arts:
No geral, conferência que demorou demasiado para o conteúdo que havia para mostrar de realmente relevante.
NFS: Payback surpreendeu-me pela positiva. Não sou fã de jogos de corridas no geral, mas gosto de Rally e dos "Mario Kart type". Outra excepção é o Burnout 3, adoro aquele jogo. Este, desenvolvido pelo mesmo estúdio de Burnout (que o faz desde o NFS: Hot Pursuit de 2010) teve um trailer entusiasmante que me fez lembrar verdadeiramente um Burnout à antiga mas bastante mais cinemático.
O A Way Out foi o stand-out para mim. Bem interessante. Vai perder muitíssimo por ser somente co-op, um modo single player podia salvá-lo a nível de vendas mas assim...é difícil. Fico contente que exista, se realmente acabar por ser bom claro. Para já, pareceu excelente, nota positiva para o split-screen ir mudando de tamanho e posição consoante a relevância de cada cena.
30 minutos de Battlefront é que por favor... Por muito bom que seja, é demasiado tempo. É mesmo de quem não tem mais nada para mostrar, entre isso e os constantes Fifa/Madden/NBA. Era coisa de mostrar 5 minutos para os 3 e estava bom.
O Anthem foi tão rápido que nem me lembrava. Nem dá para ter opinião. Fico só contente que a Bioware tenha um novo jogo para apresentar. Espero que na conferência da MS se veja muito mais.
Microsoft
Achei boa a conferência da MS. Para quem gosta de ver jogos claro, para quem estiver só a reparar no que é ou não exclusivo e preocupado com ser melhor ou pior do que os outros deve ter sido uma seca.
Highlights:
AC: Origins - Isso mesmo. Está muito bonito, sou fã da série e quero jogar este. Mortinho por andar a trepar por pirâmides. Destaque para a "eagle vision" que desta vez é na realidade através de uma "eagle".
PlayerUnknown's Battleground - Daqueles jogos viciantes que o pessoal fica centenas de horas a jogar. Não vai ser para mim mas pareceu-me um bom jogo MP.
Minecraft - Até agora o Minecraft em consolas era uma piada. Já com cross-play e aqueles gráficos renovados ficou muito mais apetecível (apesar de continuar a não ser para mim). Tem um tremendo sucesso entre os mais novos e mesmo muitos dos mais velhos gostam de voltar a brincar aos legos, power to them.
DRAGON BALL FIGHTER Z - FUCK YEAH, NADA MAIS A DIZER. FUCK FUCKING YEAH!
CodeVein, Copehead, Ashen e Ori2 - Interessantes quanto baste, principalmente o CodeVein e o Ori2, claro.
"Downlights":
Metro Exodus - Daqueles trailers típicos da E3 no sentido em que é gameplay mas muito artificial. Mesmo assim, é um novo Metro e gosto do setting.
Forza 7 - Demasiado tempo perdido no Forza que a mim não me interessa muito. Necessário para publicitar os tais 4k60fps...
Shadow of Mordor - Outra vez, demasiado tempo em gameplay de uma sequela que já sabemos como funciona.
Black Desert - MMORPG com combate interessante. Passa-me ao lado. Este tanto podia estar aqui como nos highlights...fica ali algures no meio.
Sea of Thieves - Não achei grande piada ao gameplay, apesar de parecer algo diversificado. Combates navais não é a minha cena. Props para o salto de barco em barco através do canhão.
Crackdown 3 - Terry Crews em grande. E é isso...
Life is Strange Prequel - Não deu para reparar mas vou assumir que vai ser mais do mesmo. Estes jogos "a la" Telltale têm seriamente de evoluir para trás. Adoro adventure games, point n' clicks dos anos 90. Estes jogos mal têm puzzles dignos desse nome. Metam jogabilidade com puzzles a sério nestes títulos fortes em narrativa e aí sim, passa logo para o meu topo.
Honras:
Backwards Compatibility para a XBox. Não percebo como alguém pode sequer meter isto em causa. Tudo o que seja pro-consumidor (ou seja, não andarem a cobrar por jogos antigos) e que permita revisitar velhos jogos sem pagar de novo por eles, está ótimo "in my book".
ANTHEM - Roubou o show. Espero que não desiludam, do que vi, adorei.
Bethesda:
Razoável, no sentido em que esperava pelo menos uma nova IP anunciada. Até a EA o conseguiu fazer. O pacing foi um pouco estranho, porque só foi realmente interessante nos últimos 20 minutos.
Montagem com os developers e os respectivos filhos - Gostei, é sempre bom vermos as verdadeiras estrelas da indústria, que estão quase sempre apenas nos bastidores.
Doom VR e Fallout VR - Meh, don't care. Suponho que seja fixe para quem se interesse por VR.
Elder Scrolls Online + Morrowind + Mods nas consolas + Elder scrolls legends - Muito tempo a mostrar coisas que já toda a gente viu e sabe que existem. Necessário provavelmente. Mostraram o Creation Club que pelo menos é, de certo modo, novidade.
E com isto ficam sensivelmente 20 minutos de conferência onde realmente vão mostrar coisas novas.
Skyrim para a Switch - Uma versão de um dos jogos mais populares de sempre numa nova consola onde ainda mais pessoas poderão usufruir dele, para mais considerando que não existia para os fãs exclusivos da Nintendo, óptimo.
Dishonored Standalone Expansion - Gostei do que vi, este tipo de expansões são um bocado "hit or miss", teremos de esperar pelo produto final para saber se vale a pena ou se mais valia focarem-se no Dishonored 3.
Quake Champions - O regresso do original FPS competitivo. O lado e-sports da Bethesda. A mim agrada-me, prefiro a experiência deste género em SP mas se for para andar ao tiro online que seja a "fraggar" tudo que nem um maníaco.
The Evil Within 2 - O regresso de um dos mais conceituados survival horror AAA dos últimos anos. Ainda tenho de acabar o primeiro, mas o trailer foi interessante.
Wolfenstein 2 - A estrela do show, sem dúvida. A mim, que joguei o velhinho Wolfeinstein 3d no DOS quando era puto, este jogo bate-me sempre na nostalgia. Ainda por cima, é realmente das grandes experiências FPS em Single Player (o primeiro) dos últimos tempos e este deve continuar essa senda, esperemos. O trailer está excelente. CD JOGOS [enter] CD WOLF3D [enter] WOLF3d.EXE [enter]
No geral, a conferência pecou por só valer realmente 20 minutos e por não apresentar nada de relevante que fosse novo. O que realmente interessa, são sequelas.
Devolver Digital:
Bom... por onde é que eu hei-de começar. Para já, isto não é uma conferência, é um filme tipo-B em jeito de conferência. Nada daquilo é mesmo real, na medida em que mesmo os "jornalistas" não o são. É um vídeo, com pós-produção e tudo.
São 15 minutos de "conferência". Eu até sou adepto de alguns "b-type" movies, mas isto foi só mesmo cringe e nada mais.
Jogos? Nem vê-los. Tivemos 2 em 15 minutos e se os trailers duraram 3 minutos já foi com sorte...
Ruiner - Top down shooter que até me pareceu fluído mas muito genérico.
Serious Sam Bogus Detour - Top down shooter em Pixel Graphics. Co-op, MP, Versus MP e mais uma cambada de modos. Frenético e pareceu divertido.
Devolver Digital... se queriam vir brincar com os grandes e fazer humor totalmente cringe, pelo menos que tivessem jogos para mostrar. Sei lá, um novo Serious Sam, Shadow Warrior, Talos Principle??
Dos piores 15 minutos da minha vida, percebi bem que era uma sátira à E3, aos game shows e a esse tipo de coisas. Na minha modesta opinião, falhou redondamente. Vou fingir que isto nem aconteceu.
PC Gaming Show E3 2017:
Disclaimer: Perdi os primeiros 20 minutos. Aos poucos e poucos, vai melhorando. No entanto, continua a não ser um show para as "massas". O formato é basicamente o mesmo, com mais alguma dinâmica e mais algumas coisas interessantes do que nos anos anteriores.
Highlights:
Um positivo foi a presença de alguns AAA em relação aos anos anteriores:
Para começar, bem vinda Microsoft! Forza Motorsport 7 - Suporte para, segundo o developer de serviço, praticamente todos os volantes USB disponíveis no mercado. Sea of Thieves - Versão PC não é um port, há duas versões a serem desenvolvidas ao mesmo tempo, XBox e PC. Age of Empires Definitive Edition - A grande surpresa foi um tanto ou quanto desilusão, isto porque por momentos esperava um AoE 4 e sai-me um remake. A seu favor, tem a vantagem de ser de um jogo de 20 anos que não estava disponível em lado nenhum, ser realmente um remake e não um remaster, com todas as animações e gráfismo refeitos de origem e com significativas melhorias na jogabilidade.
Shadow of War - Mostraram um trailer de uma nova personagem feminina que vai andar a ver se caça o nosso personagem durante o jogo e vai ter uma campanha própria onde será a protagonista.
Lawbreakers - Cliffy B com o seu feitio habitual. O jogo está de facto com um aspecto soberbo. Aparentemente não é coisa para noobs, jogabilidade muito "skill-based" segundo o próprio e alguns testemunhos. Fica também a frase do Cliffy: "The price will be $29,99, not that $60 Multiplayer-only BULLSHIT".
Nota mais ainda para: The Last Night - Já tinha sido apresentado na conf. da MS. Cinematic platformer, gostei do que vi, na conf. da MS praticamente não deu para perceber o que era.
Wargroove - Tactical based RPG a fazer lembrar Fire Emblem. Inspiração deles segundo os próprios developers. Achei bastante interessante.
Griftland - Sci-fi RPG dos criadores de Don't Starve. Combate por turnos, pareceu-me.
Algum foco no VR que é coisa que me passa ao lado, mas destaco o jogo "Lone Echo". Jogo VR Single Player no espaço, movimentos com as mãos como eu ainda não tinha visto. Tem componente MP que é uma espécie de jogo de andebol numa arena sem gravidade. Pareceu bem divertido.
Islands - Sandbox survivocraft game com bastante humor e variedade na jogabilidade. Pelos tipos que fizeram o ARMA.
Mais algumas coisas que não me fascinaram tanto como o PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds (já tinha visto o que havia para ver), Total War: Warhammer 2(nada de muito novo ou relevante para mostrar) Tunic (indie com colaboração dos developers de Night in the Woods, mas o gameplay que vi era muito genérico e a arte nada de especial). Ainda houve tempo também para um tipo a falar da versão PC de Destiny 2.
Nota ainda para terem uma repórter bem gira (de seu nome Sonya) e pelo giveaway de um PC de $2000 no qual eu me inscrevi.
Ubisoft:
(nota prévia, isto é sempre e só a minha opinião) Boa conferência, a melhor das third-parties até agora. E se tivermos em conta a proporção, não fica muito atrás da Microsoft, que como é óbvio está noutro patamar.
Jogo atrás de jogo atrás de jogo. Para um gajo que gosta de jogos como eu, é excelente.
Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle - Jogo com um aspecto muito Nintendo mas feito pela Ubisoft. Um tactical turn-based adventure. Há falta de melhor exemplo, X-Com meets Super Mario. Um "docinho" para a Switch que a Ubisoft apresentou, gostei bastante do gameplay.
AC: Origins - Rigorosamente nada de novo. Ainda tiveram a displicência de filmar um gajo a jogar apenas com a câmera apontada a um monitor...
The Crew 2 - Trailer CGI de nível, todo flashy. Posso desde já dizer que trailers CGI da Ubi nesta conferência são todos de topo. Nisso eles são sem dúvida muito fortes. Depois, o trailer in-engine mostra bom grafismo, mas o preocupante é mostrar corridas no ar, na água e todo-terreno. Considerando que eles não foram capazes de fazer o primeiro jogo que era só em estrada minimamente decente, isto dá ideia que é um salto maior do que a perna.
South Park - Fractured But Whole e junto já aqui o South Park - Phone Destroyer - Adoro!! É South Park, fidedigno à serie televisiva e para os fãs certamente não desilude. O meu jogo favorito desta conferência, apesar de não ser o jogo mais bem representado nela.
Skull & Bones - Black Flag Multiplayer e sem as "tretas" dos Assassin's Creed. A jogabilidade vai claramente buscar inspiração a Black Flag e em boa hora o faz porque tem um aspecto fenomenal. Nova IP, parabéns à Ubi, se não estragarem tudo têm ali excelente diversão para os entusiastas.
Just Dance - Bem...o momento escusado da conferência...para mim. No entanto, noutro dia andava aí uma notícia de um gajo a dizer que era dos jogos com mais sucesso na Europa por isso aí está uma publicidade. De notar que a gaja que foi lá cantar não fez playback, kudos to her. Notou-se porque desafinou!
Starlink: Battle for Atlas - Amiibos do espaço? OK... jogo que deve agradar muitos às crianças e ser um terror para os pais porque aqueles brinquedos baratos é que não são.
Far Cry 5 - Trailer de gameplay muito flashy e muito bem feito. Como tinha dito antes, em edição de trailers os gajos sabem o que andam a fazer. O jogo parece muito bom, nem que seja em narrativa. Veremos é se traz novidades a nível de gameplay, para já não distingui nada de realmente novo.
Beyond Good & Evil 2 - Trailer muito bom, um regresso esperado mas inesperado neste contexto. Pena a falta de gameplay.
Sony:
O que acontece quando uma das grandes se quer focar apenas nos jogos e ter pouco paleio/espectáculo numa conferência? Sai uma destas. Começou bem, mas à medida que os trailers e o gameplay iam passando e maravilhando, de repente acaba. Como é que uma conferência da E3 da companhia com maior mercado actualmente na indústria tem menos tempo do que algumas das third-parties é algo que me escapa. Incompreensível. Ainda assim, o que foi mostrado foi suficiente para entusiasmar os fãs dos ditos jogos.
Highlights:
Days Gone gameplay - Apesar de não ser um jogo que me tenha fascinado, foi um segmento de gameplay com bastante qualidade, principalmente porque dava a entender que a Sony ia ter uma conferência de arrombar a concorrência, com aqueles corpos pendurados "fora" do vídeo principal.
Monster Hunter World - A chegada da série de enorme sucesso em terras nipónicas às grandes plataformas também no ocidente. Só por isso já é um marco. Conheço muito pouco sobre MH mas do que foi mostrado também não fiquei rendido. É um jogo para ficar atento e aquela curiosidade de saber se a demora na chegada era justificada ou se vai rapidamente cativar os jogadores ocidentais.
Shadow of the Colossus Remake - A verdadeira novidade da conferência. O original é excelente apesar de nunca o ter acabado ainda joguei umas valentes horas. Os jogos da série sempre foram considerados de nicho, mas a qualidade é algo que não consigo nem quero negar. Se o remake se justifica? Na minha opinião, não. Talvez na próxima geração, nesta ainda é cedo.
MvC Infinite - Sai no dia do meu aniversário...yay? O 3 não foi tão bem recebido como os anteriores e nesta onda fiquei muito mais entusiasmado com o Dragon Ball FighterZ.
CoD: WW2 - Agora que o acordo de marketing está feito com a Sony, está aí a apresentação do jogo deste lado. Não se perdeu muito tempo aqui, como algumas pessoas temiam. Mostraram o que tinham a mostrar e siga.
VR - O destaque vai para Skyrim. Este jogo já vendeu em quase todo o lado onde havia possibilidade de ser vendido, porque não também em VR? Vamos lá matar gigantes e dragões totalmente imersos na experiência (depois de pagar a bela da quantia pelo equipamento). Há mods de gajas nuas na PS4? Se não houver...já não tenho interesse.
God of War - O regresso do Kratos, agora com a devida barba para mostrar a sua veterania. Trailer deslumbrante, mas sou fã do tipo de jogabilidade antiga da série. No entanto, nota mais por tentarem algo diferente.
Detroit: Become Human - Do que vi, pareceu-me ter muito mais mecânicas típicas de videojogo do que os últimos jogos da QD (heavy rain e beyond). Quando andava no 9º ano faltei às aulas 3 dias para jogar Omikron: The Nomad Soul (true story). Um jogo muito à frente do seu tempo. A Directora de Turma até ligou para a minha mãe para me dar um raspanete mas safei-me porque apesar de tudo sempre tive boas notas. Isto para dizer que sou fã das narrativas deste developer e o facto de ter jogabilidade apelativa cativa-me muito.
O Aranhiço - A estrela da noite. A evolução lógica e extremamente bem feita dos Batman da Rocksteady. Combate muito fluído e interactivo com o "environment", sequências de acção e navegação do personagem pelo mundo muitíssimo apelativas. Este leva o bolo com a cereja no topo, da parte que me toca.
Isto era tudo muito bonito, não fosse ter passado uma hora e de repente acaba e as pessoas levantam-se. Uma conferência praticamente só com grandes Blockbusters. O que foi apresentado foi apelativo, mas houve uma gritante falta de variedade. Mesmo sem grandes novidades, se tivessem intercalado com alguns developers a falar sobre os seus jogos e alguma atenção aos Indies que também existem na consola, até teria passado por uma conferência digna de "ganhar" a E3. Assim...fica para o ano.
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  9. Veja a rotina de quem mora em um parque de diversões
  10. Os avós são tudo de bom Ideias Incríveis DIVERSÃO

Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube. Você já se imaginou morando em um parque de diversões? Não é só alegria. Enquanto todo mundo se diverte, a rotina é de muito trabalho por lá. Mas também tem espaço para histórias de ... Canal dedicado al mundo de la cocina, en el podréis ver las vídeo recetas que preparo en casa tanto para la familia como para amigos, espero y deseo que os guste, cualquier sugerencia será bien ... OS BRINQUEDOS MAIS ALTOS E ASSUSTADORES* DE PARQUES DE DIVERSÃO parte 2 - Duration: 6:31. Mundo Curioso 22,460 views. 6:31. HOPI HARI 10 ANOS DEPOIS VALE MESMO A PENA? ... Assista e compartilhe este vídeo se você ama seu avô! Coisas engraçadas que todo avô faz. Não é divertido passar um fim de semana com o vovô? 0:07 Um telefon... Oii Gente, Esse é meu canal, onde compartilho todos os temas que as mulheres mais amam: maquiagem, moda, dicas, viagem e muito mais. Sejam Bem-Vindos e espero que se divirtam muito por aqui :) ♡ Compilação de desenhos animados de the backyardigans em português As entregadoras de pizza maia Uniqua e Tasha concordam em entregar uma pizza para o Rei (Ty... FALE COMIGO PELO MENSEGER :) https://youtu.be/ABSk7iEf7Io https://youtu.be/ABSk7iEf7Io 🌟 INSCREVA-SE E ATIVE O SININHO DE NOTIFICAÇÕES (🔔) DESTA FORMA VOCÊ A... Former ATP player #80 singles and #79 in doubles. ... canal você vai encontrar um conteúdo médico voltado a ajudar os alunos de medicina e residentes durante o período de formação. Diversos ... Fernanda Takai, 42, nasceu na Serra do Navio (AP), mas já é considerada mineira por morar em Belo Horizonte há muitos anos. Graduou-se em Relações Públicas p...